Reading this might be bad for you

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OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA [Olympus Makernote]Unknown tag (0x0500)=18

Published Feb 14, 2016

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London - Might breathing be bad for your health? I only mention it because, as far as I can see, everything else is.

Like many people, I have had a cold for the past few weeks. Yesterday, I thought it was clearing up, but when I woke up today I found that another cold had come along to take its place. It is as though they are on a rota system.

Naturally, one looks for a cause. Should I have wrapped up warmer? Might it have been wiser not to have double-kissed that fellow partygoer who turned out to be suffering from a streaming cold? Why did I continue to sit next to that person in the cinema who kept sniffing between munches of her popcorn?

Every day, there is a fresh report of a “study” or “survey” announcing the addition of something new and unexpected to the ever-increasing roster of unhealthy activities. Nothing is healthy.

Just when you thought it was safe to bicycle or to drink a glass of water, a study is published, somewhere in the world, which suggests the very opposite. Even doing nothing at all is enough to set the medical alarm bells ringing. “Why your morning lie-in may be bad for your health,” read a recent headline.

“Aha!” you may have thought, “I’m an early bird! I always hop out of bed the second I wake up! I’m all right, Jack!”

If this is the case, then perhaps I should point you to another headline in the same newspaper: “Missing out on your beauty sleep is bad for your health.”

Another day, another health scare. Some, such as “Driving Underground trains is bad for your health” are hardly surprising. It would certainly be much odder if driving Tube trains was just what the doctor ordered.

And the same goes for the headline “Eating fast food is bad for your health” or “Too much overtime is bad for your health, says study”.

It goes without saying that too much of anything must, almost by definition, be bad for your health, or otherwise they wouldn’t call it “too much”. Another headline read: “Too many bananas bad for your health”: it would be a good deal more upsetting had it said: “Just the right amount of bananas bad for your health.”

Not long ago, the Daily Telegraph ran a report headlined: “Too many vitamin tablets could be bad for your health.’ It can’t be long before we learn: ‘Reading is the latest health scare that’s bad for your health.”

After all, just about everything else in the world has been tried and tested as a cause of ill-health.

If you type “bad for your health” into a newspaper’s search-engine, up pop hundreds of different studies and surveys alerting you to the dangers of the following: nostalgia, meditation, a six-figure salary, social mobility, shortness, a cup of tea, promotion, seeing your GP, losing your temper, climate change, New Year resolutions, beautiful women, private hospitals, losing the Ashes, aircraft noise, lunch at your desk, retiring, watching horror films and giving birth to sons.

I am now wondering which of them caused my recent cold. Should I have poured myself that second cup of tea?

Might I have been better off avoiding nostalgia by turning off that old Top Of The Pops on BBC4? Was it watching an old Dracula film or the woman’s face being sprayed with the baddie’s guts in the latest Tarantino movie that brought on my very first sniffle?

Having no interest whatsoever in cricket, I honestly don’t know whether England won the Ashes or lost them, but who’s to say that my body didn’t hear the result when my back was turned and underwent some strange subliminal reaction?

And what of those other terrors around every corner? Memo to self: avoid lunching at your desk, visiting your GP, a six-figure salary and beautiful women, block your ears if you spot an aircraft overhead, and make sure that the only New Year resolution you ever make is never to make a New Year resolution.

Sometimes, the latest research conducted by the Department of Hypochondria at the University of Under-the-Weather can be a little inconclusive, so that any subsequent newspaper headlines are tempered with a question mark.

“Are videogames bad for your health?” asks The Guardian, and, on various other days, “Are bras really bad for your health?”, “Are barbecues seriously bad for your health?”, “Are fitness trackers bad for your health?” and - my personal favourite - “Are volcanoes bad for your health?”

And the Mail is no slouch when it comes to health alerts. In recent times, we have been alerted to the perils lurking in bedside clocks, washing up, tooth-whitening kits, going to the gym, living near farms, boredom, watching Coronation Street, drying laundry indoors, swotting, infidelity, fashion week, open-plan offices, being too clean and mothers-in-law.

Who knows which of these studies is right and which is wrong?

At least there is one thing on which we can all agree. Never get bored while watching Coronation Street on a volcano during fashion week, or your cold will only get worse.

Daily Mail

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