London - Hurrah, it's Christmas! Sort of! Out of 10, how excited are you?
Are you preparing to crash the National Grid with 1 000 fairy lights and a flashing reindeer? Or are you just planning on getting very, very drunk and remaining so until early January? Go and stand in front of a mirror and ask yourself now: who is my Christmas self?
And if your puzzled-looking reflection can't help you out, try our multiple-choice quiz…
HOW DO YOU SHOP?
1 Christmas is a time to flex your domestic muscles. You steep things in brandy. You craft objets d'art from wood. Label printers make your heart beat faster. Spreadsheets come into play. And everything - everything - is organic and locally sourced.
2 One word: Amazon. You are happily directed by your screen as to what to buy for people according to their age and sex. If only you weren't now a prisoner in your own home, waiting for everything to arrive. And why do those missed delivery slips keep piling up? You changed your whole day to be in!
3 Christmas Eve? Today? Already? It's 2pm and you've only just started shopping. Grab that pack of Post-its - someone will find them useful. And, er, that winged frog ornament. That's amusing, isn't it? Just buy, buy, buy - you can match the person to the present later.
4 Tuck £80 (about R1 400) into an envelope and hand one to each child - even the baby. For everyone else, select artefacts from your house. Then give one of the aforementioned children a fiver to wrap everything while you settle back with a bottle of brandy and Oliver! on the telly.
DO YOU SEND CHRISTMAS CARDS?
1 You make all your own cards. Your robin redbreast has actual feathers on it. You use wool for the snowmen. That bead shop round the corner is only still going because of you.
2 Elf Yourself emails! Hilarious! See, that's you and your family dancing like 1990s hip-hop kids but dressed as elves!
3 You definitely bought cards. Just forgot to send any. Can't find your address book… How much are stamps?
4 Does texting count? With Christmas emojis?
HOW DO YOU CONDUCT YOURSELF AT THE WORK CHRISTMAS PARTY?
1 You annually lobby for a fancy-dress theme, or, this year, “Wear a Christmas jumper and donate a fiver to the refugee crisis.” You insist on curating the Spotify playlist (Beyoncé singing “Silent Night” caters to all tastes). And you never drink. It's still work.
2 You Instagram, Facebook and Tweet EVERYTHING, tagging all people involved: the PR getting off with the head of sales, the MD photocopying his arse (#DoNotDipYour PenInTheCompanyInk /#ChristmasBuns)
3 Ah. You're taking your mother to a carol concert at her local church that night - you got your dates muddled. You'll come later, though. Oh. There are no lights on at the office. It's locked. And John from accounts is asleep next to the bins.
4 You've come round in the stationery cupboard wearing antlers with bells on them and a feather boa. Maybe those shots were a mistake. Hang on, where are your trousers? Why has Jane from IT got her hand there?
HOW DO YOU DECORATE YOUR HOUSE?
1 Homemade wreath, mistletoe in every door frame, fairy lights in the trees, a huge inflatable snowman in the front garden, an angel at the top of your tree made by a five-year-old orphan (your own five-year old is a bit upset his didn't make the grade).
2 You are not into tinsel and lights. Much nicer to just have Christmas photos rotating on your digital photoframes.
3 Fortunately, your fairy lights started only a small fire the last time they fused, which has had the added advantage of putting the dog off repeatedly knocking down the tree.
4 There's a chocolate Father Christmas in your cupboard. You could display that if necessary.
WHAT IS YOUR INVOLVEMENT WITH FOOD PREPARATION?
1 As a ruthless baker, you try not to look sad when you see other people produce mince pies from a packet. You will queue for your turkey at 5am, and get up at 5am on Christmas Day to put it in the oven. Your sprouts will be perky and vibrant. Your roast potatoes crisper than a white shirt from Savile Row. All organic, obviously. Did you mention that?
2 And on the third day, God created Ocado - although, hang on, the turkey looks a lot smaller than it ought to because… oh Christ, it's a chicken. Why have you got a Viennetta instead of a Christmas pudding? Why are your children looking so guilty when you ask out loud how that could have happened?
3 The turkey was meant to go in WHEN? It's going to take HOW LONG to cook? But that means you'll be eating at 2am tomorrow. The sprouts have already been on for an hour. Were you really meant to peel the potatoes first? Thank God for packet mince pies… wait, what's that burning?
4 Maybe you could help with the clearing up or something? Just going to have a little drink first. Yes, it's only 10.30am, but it's Christmas Day. Anyone seen the Quality Street?
WHAT IS YOUR IDEA OF CHRISTMAS ENTERTAINMENT?
1 Traditional games, of course. Charades, Pictionary, anything that involves cards, teams, boards or dice. You know your opposition is only nine, but cheating at Monopoly should not be glossed over. Even if he is now crying. This is fun, isn't it! ISN'T IT?
2 Your Sky+ has become a highly contentious area of conflict. The EastEnders and Downton specials are on at the same time as the Kardashians' special, and you can only watch one and record one other. Wait - your Planner is already full?
3 You're happy to help assemble some Lego, although the instructions are wrong, surely, and isn't the whole point of Lego to be a bit creative and does it really matter that it doesn't look like the picture? Oh god, now you've dropped it and everyone under seven in the room is crying.
4 Can't move… sofa… brandy… paper hat over eyes… *
HOW DID YOU DO?
If you answered mostly…
1 You are a Festive Fanatic.
You are painstakingly ethical and organic, with your locally sourced food, hand-crafted presents and contempt for anything that comes out of a packet. Your tree is up on December 1. You score the games properly. You bark at people who remove their paper hats.
2 You are a Digital Android.
Thank god for the internet. You haven't set foot in a shop for years. You have huge family rows over the TV and are highly opinionated on the John Lewis Christmas ad, which really is an event for you. You don't feel relaxed on Christmas Day until you are triple-screening (TV, iPad and phone all on at the same time).
3 You are a Curator of Chaos.
All your Christmas food is 50 percent overcooked and 50 percent undercooked. It'll be you who blurts out to the children that Santa isn't real, and turns up late to everything.
4 You are a Sleeping Partner.
Booze, snooze, more booze, don't mind if someone makes you pull a cracker occasionally, telly, booze, more sleep.
The Independent on Sunday
* The Prince George Diaries by Clare Bennett (Michael Joseph) is out now