QUESTION: This probably sounds trivial, but it really affects the quality of my sex life: my partner finds it almost impossible to make eye contact in bed. Whenever I try to gaze lovingly at him, he avoids my eyes. He’s always looking down at my body, rather than at my face, which makes me feel like I could be anyone - even though I know he loves me. My sister thinks it’s because he’s shy and that at his age, 52, I’m not going to change him, but I am ever the optimist. Do you think there’s anything I can do to make him hold my gaze?
ANSWER: We tend to think sex is the absolute pinnacle of intimacy, but, as many a lover can testify, prolonged and intense eye contact can prove an equally intense experience - even more so, at times.
One friend says when she first sat on a bar stool opposite her (now) husband and locked eyes she thought she would faint, as the electricity was so overwhelming.
“Desire is never expressed quite as thrillingly as it is when transmitted via the eyes,” she says. “I honestly felt I was going to have a heart attack.”
Some people shy away from this intensity precisely because it is so revealing.
You can feel far more naked than when you’re undressed if someone’s staring at you, because they seem to be penetrating your soul and reading your thoughts.
What you have to recognise is that while some people embrace that kind of emotional exposure because it’s so powerful, others flee in terror.
Your partner definitely sounds like the fleeing kind, poor chap!
Your sister calls him “shy”, so he probably finds it near impossible to meet a new acquaintance’s eye while in conversation, let alone hold a passionate gaze.
The fact he knows and loves you does not necessarily make the task of gazing at you less daunting.
Our ability to make good eye contact generally stems from childhood, and if his parents and friends didn’t do a lot of direct beaming and twinkling at him as a tot, then it’s hard to get the hang of it aged 52.
I’ve got one older male friend who practically turns his head 180 degrees, like an owl, when he’s talking to a stranger.
Mind you, your partner has more reasons than shyness to keep his eyes focused on your body.
Many men find it easier to lock their eyes on to their beloved’s erogenous zones than her eyes, because that act of looking at female flesh is such a key part of their erotic experience.
One man I know says when he looks at his wife’s body in bed “it’s sexier than the sexiest film ever made”, adding: “Because men have grown up in a culture where their gaze is constantly directed by magazines, TV, films and the internet to the female form they feel more licence to stare at women’s bodies than perhaps women do in reverse.”
I doubt very much that your partner is objectifying you in bed in the way you fear. Clearly you’re not just “anyone” to the man who loves you.
Don’t forget, many middle-aged women would give their life’s savings to have their long-term partner gaze at their body with undisguised lust and admiration.
What you see as avoiding your eye, your boyfriend may view as naked worship of your form.
Having said that, you are certainly not alone in your quest for a little sexual eye-balling. Women naturally want to keep close tabs on the bedroom’s emotional barometer and there’s little chance of doing that if their menfolk won’t look them in the eye.
It is also true that tantric sex bases much of its practice around sustained eye contact, since this is a proven way of increasing intensity and therefore ecstasy.
It’s not unreasonable for you to request a little effort on his behalf to cast off his more diffident side. You need to explain to your man that if he doesn’t ever lock eyes with you, it’s a form of sensory deprivation.
There are certain conditions that are key to pushing each other’s erotic buttons (men are particularly interested in the power of the physical response, women in the strength of the emotional one) and it’s a little selfish not to gracefully deliver on those elements.
A friend of mine has made great strides with a similarly reserved man by offering a little light training; she says you start by holding eyes for two minutes over a drink and work your way up to repeating the exercise in bed.
She very firmly believes that old dogs can learn new tricks, but only if the trainer is patient and kind. - Daily Mail