QUESTION: A good friend is always going on about how much sex she has with her husband. I’ve been with my partner for 14 years - like my pal and her spouse - and we’re lucky if we make love once a month (although it’s great when it happens). I’d blame it on our kids, but my friend has children, too. How can I stop feeling inadequate by comparison?
ANSWERr: You don’t need to be Sigmund Freud to see that your friend is revealing her own deep-seated insecurities by bragging about sex. Contented people don’t feel the need to lord it over others in this manner.
Sex vixen Samantha Jones in Sex And The City always gushed about her sexual exploits to her friends. Credit: AFP
I would guess she’s trying to compensate for some area of her life in which she feels deficient by comparison to you. I have little information about your life, but the kind of things people envy in their friends (other than sex) are a close emotional relationship with their spouse, their house, job, or high-achieving children.
So, before you get too enraged by your pal, remember rare is the female friendship that isn’t complicated by some degree of competition. And sex often fuels that subtle contest.
None of us would be anxious about our love lives if we didn’t suspect that someone somewhere was having better, hotter and more frequent encounters. I’ve seen sensible, apparently confident women wither when another female has declared she has found her G-spot, or that she often has multiple orgasms, or that her partner makes love to her every day.
The thing to remember is that almost everyone, to some degree, lies about sex. Barely a week passes without a new sex survey revealing statistics that totally contradict the previous one. In the past year alone, I’ve read that women have the best sex of their lives in their 30s, 50s and 60s. Surely this shows most people fib, or exaggerate, when it comes to their private life? Who wants to tell a researcher they’re only having sex once a year?
I can’t prove that your friend is exaggerating about her sex life with her hubby, but it seems likely. And even if she’s not, who says quantity equates to quality? I can’t imagine that any couple with small children manages to squeeze in meaningful foreplay on a daily basis.
It’s possible that this couple specialise in quickies and, if so, I wonder how often your friend has time to reach a climax? Many people would prefer to have less frequent, but more fabulous, sex, which, happily, is where you and your husband find yourselves.
My point is you are allowing the boasts of one friend to overshadow you to an unnecessary degree. Work and child-rearing mean many modern couples feel exhausted and conserve their erotic energy for high days and holidays. The vital thing is that you and your husband are on the same page and actively want to make love to each other.
Don’t be fazed by other people’s tales of torrid sex, since these propaganda campaigns simply have no bearing on your own marital intimacy. You should only attempt to squeeze more sex into your month if you and your spouse feel it would truly benefit your relationship.
Sex should equate to pleasure, not pressure. - Daily Mail