QUESTION: I am in a quandary about my closest male friend. He got divorced a year ago when his wife left him after 14 years of marriage, so he’s very vulnerable. He’s just met a woman through an internet dating site, tells me he’s in love and that it’s the best sex of his life. I didn’t warm to her when we met and it turns out a friend of a friend knows her. She’s said this woman is a real heartbreaker, who’s wrecked the marriage of one of their mutual colleagues and was thrown out of her own home for cheating on her long-term partner. Since then, she’s cut a swathe through the local bachelors. How can I warn my friend this woman is dangerous?
ANSWER: The real question here is surely not how do you warn your friend about his girlfriend, but whether you should warn him at all?
You have put this woman on trial and are acting as judge and jury, but you have no hard evidence that she’s guilty of any misdemeanour towards your friend.
You may have it on good authority that this woman has a complicated past, but isn’t that true of a good many people who go on to forge loving, long-term relationships?
Stories that come through “a friend of a friend” are rarely gospel truth, even if some of the underpinning facts are correct.
Take a look at the gossip you’ve received that states this woman “wrecked the marriage” of one of her colleagues. Call me old-fashioned, but this supposed Jezebel didn’t force him into a love affair at gunpoint.
Similarly, you cannot rely on rumour to tell you if this woman was thrown out of her domestic set-up because of an affair, or whether she left of her own volition. Perhaps her husband was faithless or cruel.
The “friend of a friend”, who works with MBF’s (Male Best Friend’s) new love, might have an axe to grind. They could have clashed in the boardroom, or chased the same man. You didn’t really like this woman when you met, so it’s only natural you’re eager to believe the worst of her.
But that’s not your role in this situation. Your duty to your MBF is to be as fair as you can be in your assessment of his beloved and to make a game attempt to understand why he loves her.
Of course, it could easily be the case that your MBF’s new partner is the heartless vixen you take her for. Even so, I still don’t believe it’s wise to sit him down at this stage of events for a character assassination, however well intentioned.
We are talking about a besotted man, who is likely to view anyone who besmirches his beloved with suspicion and hostility.
Cast your own mind back to when you dated someone who friends and family disliked. Weren’t you furious with them for undermining your passion?
Isn’t it also true that some people simply take a long time to warm to? I haven’t always liked my friends’ loves at our first meeting, but have often changed my position when I’ve got to know them better.
I do, of course, understand that you feel protective of your MBF, because he cannot possibly have recovered from the blow of his wife leaving him. But you do need to ask yourself whether you’re being a mite over-protective and, if so, what are your motives?
Is it not possible that you’re a little jealous of this new woman, who has usurped your role as shoulder to cry on? You were presumably accustomed to your MBF’s wife’s role in his life, and she to yours, but now there’s a shattering of the status quo.
Is there conceivably a side to you that once believed that if your MBF wasn’t with his wife, he’d be with you? It’s perfectly possible to experience sexual jealousy in relation to people you’ve never slept with. This may be especially true if - as your MBF claims - he’s now having the best sex of his life and radiates an erotic passion he never felt in his marriage.
If you’re a true best friend, shouldn’t you consider whether his sudden sexual awakening is a healing salve after the horrors of his marriage falling apart. Do you really want your MBF to sit around all day weeping and feeling bereft?
No two people take the same path to recovery after a cataclysmic event such as divorce. While some aim to retreat from the world, others prefer the distraction of fuller engagement with life.
The truth is, you can say nothing negative about the new girlfriend without your motives - rightly or not - appearing suspect.
Also, if this woman is as unscrupulous as you think, she will banish you in seconds if she suspects you of a moment’s bad-mouthing.
Your job as a close friend and confidante is to keep a close eye as he walks the cliff edge and to save him from the rocks if he falls.
There may well come a moment when he has his own suspicions about his inamorata. Then - and only then - is the moment to share your reservations. - Daily Mail