QUESTION: I have a very happy, optimistic nine-year-old who is also the youngest.
The downside to all that happiness and optimism is that he seems to live in a bubble in which he thinks nothing bad will ever happen. Last night, I saw him cross the busiest street in our neighbourhood, on his bike, without looking at all. It was a heart-stoppingly terrifying moment. If a car had been driving by at 60km/h, his helmet would not have saved him from a catastrophic event.
When he got home, I sat him down and made him watch a few YouTube videos of kids getting hit by cars (dash cam and surveillance footage, so it was jarring and horrible but no blood or guts). I tried to communicate urgency and sadness, rather than anger.
It upset him and he cried, but at least I know I left an impression.
Still, is there a better way to instill in him a sense of vigilance? His older brothers are 11 and 13, so we are cutting lots of apron strings. But last night I just wanted them to be three, five and seven again so I could keep them confined to my cul-de-sac!
ANSWER: My heart just stopped at the thought of your son's bike in the intersection!
So what are we going to do about this little daredevil of yours? We are not going to force him to stay in the cul-de-sac forever, but we are definitely going to rein him in.
He has demonstrated to you, without a doubt, that he is not mature enough to ride his bike near major intersections. You saw it with your own eyes. He rolled through an intersection, nary a glance from one side to the other.
And while it seems all of America is abuzz about allowing failure in childhood, we all know better than to allow failure when safety is at issue.
Failure, in this instance, equals severe injury at best, death at worst.
And as maddening as what I am about to tell you is, it is the truth. You cannot “teach” vigilance to a child.
I would love to assure you that he watched those crash videos and took in your advice. That he gained some kind of experiential wisdom and will now slow down and look both ways.
Sorry. Nope.
The brain doesn't really work that way. Did you scare him? Sure. Did he take in how upset you truly were? Maybe. It still doesn't mean his brain is any more mature or vigilant.
For very sensitive children, these videos and lectures can have some effect (in terms of a behavioural outcome), but for most children the message of safety is here and gone.
Why? The growing brain of a child works with both repetition of experience as well as traumatic experiences. Meaning, when you say “no” to the cookie over and over and over, the brain will register to the child, “Hey, Mom ain't giving you a cookie at 5pm! Stop asking!” That's repetition (and also why raising young children is so exhausting).
In a traumatic event, the experience is so jarring and so upsetting that it can change the brain. Literally. The brain holds on to the trauma, but often not the memory of trauma. There are children who witness horrible accidents, for example, and it changes how they react to a number of stimuli in a way that could appear irrational to the average person.
For your son, we cannot allow a traumatic incident to occur. It is our parental duty to not allow him to be hit by a car.
Thus, he is not allowed on a bike anywhere near an intersection.
This will upset him greatly. He will feel like he is being treated like a “baby.” He might negotiate, yell, try to break the rules, beg and become insolent. So be it. The alternative is not acceptable.
While you are busy holding this boundary, you will also help him become more vigilant.
When he wants to ride a bike near an intersection, you have to be with him.
That's the rule.
This will horrify him - But maybe that will help him remember more.
So imagine those apron strings you mentioned. You are going to keep him tight, and as he begins to demonstrate sense, caution and vigilance, you will allow slack in the strings. The more he matures, the more space you give. That's the deal.
Again, he won't like any of this, but that doesn't matter. You know something he doesn't: You never really cut the apron strings. Ever. These “strings” of love and protection reach and stretch with your children as far and wide as they will travel. They go on and on forever. So don't be afraid to rein your children in when you need to. It's your right and the unspoken promise you made to him as soon as he entered the world.
Washington Post